A guy who tries things, talks to his plants, and considers a 14-minute power nap a full night's sleep. This is his digital footprint. Try not to laugh too hard - he'll get a big head.
47
abandoned hobbies
∞
confidence
3
living plants
14 min
record nap
A partial, possibly exaggerated, definitely hilarious list of ways Michael spends his precious time on this earth.
Michael can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, under any conditions. Movie theaters, waiting rooms, upright on public transit - if there's a surface and 47 seconds of inactivity, he's out. His personal best is a 14-minute nap that felt like 3 hours. Scientists are baffled. Boyfriends everywhere are jealous.
Toast is not a snack. It is a craft. Michael has strong opinions about doneness gradients, butter-to-surface ratios, and the ideal time between the pop and the spread (1.2 seconds, for reference). His sourdough levain gets a name and a birthday. He will judge your toaster and not apologize.
Michael once bought a unicycle, a theremin, and a bread-making kit in the same week. The unicycle lives in a corner and judges him. The theremin made sounds once and never again. The bread kit expired. He's currently learning the banjo and is taking this as a sign that this time will be different. It won't.
Michael's apartment is a graveyard of good intentions with a few resilient survivors. He talks to his plants daily, apologizes when he forgets to water them, and once wrote a sincere eulogy for a fern. The surviving plants are only alive because they evolved fast enough to handle neglect. He calls them the tough ones.
A curated selection of Michael's personality quirks. Each one has been peer-reviewed by his friends and rated "yep, that's him."
Will narrate what his GPS is saying in a different accent. Every time.
Has a precise, unshakeable system for organizing the fridge that no one else understands.
Can identify the exact brand of pizza from a closed box by smell alone.
Still thinks about that one clever thing he said in 2019 that nobody heard.
Orders the same thing at every restaurant until he finds something better, then orders only that for 2 years.
Has strong opinions about pillow temperature and will flip to the cold side mid-conversation.
Once googled 'how to make friends as an adult' at 2 AM. Bookmarked the page. Never opened it again.
He doubts it. But if you have a funnier hobby, a better nap story, or just want to tell him he's hilarious (he already knows), the button below does absolutely nothing. It's a decoy. The real contact form was the friends we made along the way.